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Trauma-Based Multiplicity

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hi : ) [Jun. 26th, 2007|02:59 pm]
Trauma-Based Multiplicity

Hi. I'm new here and looking forward to seeing if this community will be a good fit for me or not. I'm currently dealing a lot with depression/anxiety and have been battling depression my entire life. For 4 years, I had what was dx as DID. I would dissociate and people would report that I totally changed character and such. For reasons that are unknown to me, while I was going to therapy at the time for it and all, I haven't had a "dissociative episode" that I know of since age 18 and I'm 26 now. Now that I'm a new mother of a 1 month old and reflecting back upon my life, I've come to realize that I really want to explore more what happened to have caused the DID and why it just went away and things like that. I'm hoping that this will be a community that might be able to answer those questions or at least maybe provide support for the things that I have going on currently.

I do see a psychiatrist and am on meds for my depression/anxiety and I also see a talk-therapist as well.

I hope it's not bad nettiquite, but I also wanted to let people here know that I started a community called didsupport to help me on my quest. If anyone here is interested in joining, feel free. It's basically open to anyone with an interest in did/mpd. Of course I'm not just posting this here as spam. I intend to feel out this community for a while and if I think it'll help me, I'm going to continue to post here. Just saying hi. : )
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new [Feb. 19th, 2007|12:09 pm]
Trauma-Based Multiplicity
[mood |scaredscared]


I'm new to... everything. Here, and to MPD. I'm 25 and after 10 years of labels and not finding answers and psychologists and psychiatrists who told me they exhausted all of their ideas.... I've found a wonderful therapist and after a year of working with her.... this is my answer. And as scary as it is...as much as I want to push it so far away.... for once, it makes sense. Real sense.

I don't know what to do. And I guess I'm not looking for answers... just some support.... this is very hard.

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Stress and Blending [Jan. 15th, 2007|11:00 am]
Trauma-Based Multiplicity

[Tags|, , ]

In the past, when we've been under a lot of stress--either individuals or groups--our separateness and amesia barriers got more pronounced than usual; we were more dissociative.

But we've been under a whole lot of stress lately, and it seems like we're functioning more as a unit than ever. Though we still feel ourselves as individuals, we also seem to be more blended into a single "unit," for lack of a better term. It's really strange.

Kind of makes us wonder if it might be early stages of integration. That's never been our goal, but it's never been something we've been opposed to either. To me-Sara, it's both scary and exciting...but most of all confusing.

Any feedback, anyone?

Sara and others
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looping [Dec. 29th, 2006|03:40 am]
Trauma-Based Multiplicity

[mood |sicksick]

I have a question. I was fifteen minutes late to my therapy appointment yesterday. I woke up at 8, fell back to sleep. woke up at 10:18 and had to be on other side of city in a suburb far away by 11. i chose to take a quick shower, because I went two days without one. I got there at 11:10, but by the time the receptionist called me in it was 11:15 and she did not even want to call my therapist telling me to reschedule. I told her that is up to him not her, and that traffic was really bad. she added the car accident thing. I just used it and lied. felt so guilty that i left him a message later confessing to the lie. I still had an ear infection in my ear, and went to after hours later and it has been there since Thursday last week, and the drops I have been using did not work all the way. I was ill, and I feel compelled to leave an other message telling him so he understands why I fell back to sleep. as I type, my right ear is ringing loudly and hurting me. My energy is better. I was sleeping all day. glad I have vacation time....

my question is this: I keep replaying my few minutes in his office. I let him read the previous post that I copy pasted into my text editor to share with him the stuff that happened on xmas. My question is, why do I keep replaying and looping my sessions, and try to analyze everything to death..... it is not just this, but other things that upset me. Is this part of the PTSD? To loop and obsess and replay things until you think you get what it means on as many levels as possible? i see his face, i see his tie, I see his watch, I hear his voice, I think about what words he chose..... and I wonder why.

I was scared to go yesterday any ways. he is helping me get through trauma. i am scared. I am becoming scared of him! do i tell him? it is not rational.
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nightmare [Dec. 8th, 2006|12:19 pm]
Trauma-Based Multiplicity

[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

cross posted

I watched "Sybil" last night, and I knew if I did I would have a dream that taught me something about if I am or am not a multiple. I watch movies like these to have my mind answer questions it is not answering consciously to me. I also do the artwork, but, I have not allowed myself to do art lately. I feel repelled by the idea. When this happens, I know my unconscious is trying to tell my conscious mind something it does not want to know. I then do this, the movie thing , guessing at what the thing may be. and, it proved fruitful last night.

In the movie "Sybil", the girl has a cat's head and body chasing her. It was assoicated with the abusive mother. I had a dream last night about a rabbit and my dad. In the dream I was trying to protect a rabbit from my dad, who wanted to get rid of it and hurt it and maybe even kill it! I was in my parents' house and also in an apartment on S.Clinton Ave. I used to live in with my last exhusband. In the dream, my parents lived downstairs, and I lived upstairs. Mom was downstairs and dad was not home. She told me to hurry and hide the rabbit before dad came home! I went upstairs, and was trying to do this, but as I did, I heard his car pull in the driveway and panicked! In dreams, you know how you try to go fast put everything goes in slow motion the harder you try to go faster? It was like that here! frustrating! i was trying to catch the bunny out of her cage, and she was a brown rabbit, and she did not want to be caught. As I focused on her, dad snuke up behind me having come into the back doorway, and grabbed my legs and pulled them. I was onthe floor near the cage, and he was dragging me away from it violently! I was terrified and looked up at him..... his eyes and face were full of rage and anger and hate and violence! He was ranting and raving about the rabbit and how I was not allowed to have one and how he was going to get rid of it and how I couldn't stop him! I grabbed the cage and was screaming "no!" to him at the top of my lungs hoping mom would hear and come up and rescue me and the rabbit! I grabbed the rabbit and put her in my shirt and got free from his grip and ran to the door and out. I realized I did not have a key and the door locked behind me. It was night time and winter. I did not have a coat or shoes on my feet, and I didn't know what I was going to do or wear I was going to go! I was panicking in the dream and scared my rabbit would be taken and killed! Rabbits don't talk. They are mute. Just like my art me!

This dream was a terrifying night mare to me. It sounds silly, but it was terrifying!
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(no subject) [Dec. 3rd, 2006|02:53 am]
Trauma-Based Multiplicity

she walks along the edges of the paper, and looks at the landscape of nothingness. the moon has clouds around it, glancing through to the page below it. the stars show where to go. dotting the white nothingness landscape with flecks of snow. it is a breeze of sighs from loverless lovers, blankets of prisons, fragmented and poisoned with the toxins of every day living, the lies of the government toxic to its limbs. dragging heavy loads up the steep mountains of snow, and the black birds turn white in the night sky. she walks and searches for her rabbit and its nest, where did this white rabbit go in this snow? I look for the white sparrow too. the world is so pure, so white. to close my eyes, I see shadows of white floating by, and I open them to see rays of darkness seeping in. the black lines on the page spiral around my being. We roll down the hill and are dizzy from the gravity. we float up and defy it as we astral project to the other side of the planet, to the top of the Alps and the bottom of the sky. I am dead , with this pale white rose that was plunged into my belly button, to steal my soul and seal my fate. the rock does not move away from my tomb. the prison door is shut. the rot slides down the walls and into my mouth, and it tastes like honey. such is the toxic nature of love.

-Eve Saturn, aka Evelyn Cammarano aka White Sparrow, 12/03/062:41 A.M.
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Holidays [Nov. 24th, 2006|03:00 pm]
Trauma-Based Multiplicity

[Current Location |Birmingham, AL]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |Sarah McLachlan, "Adia"]

I hate the holidays, I really do. I always feel so alone.

I feel like I shouldn't complain about this. I mean, I have a family, right? I have a place to go and food to eat and clothes to wear. I've been taught that I should be ever so grateful for these things and never, ever complain. Only ungrateful little girls complain, don't you know. You wouldn't want to be ungrateful, now would you?

Cut for length and mentions of abuse.
Count me ungrateful, then.Collapse )

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(no subject) [Nov. 24th, 2006|01:38 am]
Trauma-Based Multiplicity

I am going to be more cautious about posting here after the drama over at Multiplicity! I need friends who can relate to what I am going through. a support group.

whoever wants me to friend them, please post it here and I will add you. I closed my comments to those already on my friends list. I am scared.

I have a lot to share. I shared too quickly on that other community. want to take it nice and slow here!

I am emotionally stable. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, and I take Lexapro since May. It is ok. I do not usually censor my words, but I will try.

I am an artist and my art is raw and refined. I have my MFA and work in the city school district and I do not bring my issues or problems into the work place. The kids I have worked with are MR, LD, autistic, ADD, ADHD, ED, and it has been rewarding and challenging. co-workers basically like me and I like them. My physical and emotional and mental health are healing since my abuses and traumas. I have flashbacks sometimes, but not often but I am extremely jumpy and I use my art therapeutically at times to put it somewhere in a container out there and vent. It has been labeled "outsider art", but I just call it a place to put my raw emotions and experiences. I posted it on that other community, and I did not realize it to be a trigger until I read emails and realized i was not thinking through what I was posting. i do not want this here. so, friend me and come to my journal and get to know me and realize I am searching to heal and comprehend. I am desperate to figure this out and not go off the deep end.
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(no subject) [Nov. 18th, 2006|09:43 pm]
Trauma-Based Multiplicity

I do not want to mess up being here. I will try to be cautious in my posts.

I have been traumatized again and again. I have been through three abusive marriages. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I have been physically abused.

please come to my journal to read things about it. I had a therapy session I posted there. dissociating and zoning feelings lately. wondering if I am split. I have had a lot of situations where I could have died.
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Proud of Myself [Nov. 16th, 2006|11:25 pm]
Trauma-Based Multiplicity

[Current Location |Tuscaloosa, Alabama]
[mood |bouncythrilled]

Talking about karate. Not entirely relevant, but it's an important step for me in healing.

Belt Testing Tonight.Collapse )

Karate just makes me feel so empowered. Like I know if somebody tried something on me now, I could get away. I've even helped teach a women's self-defense class on campus, and we'll probably do the same thing again this year. I like being able to take back my power and to reclaim my body. It's important to me.

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